Today I received the unfortunate news that a young woman we met a few years ago is suffering the loss of her fiancée. My heart goes out to her and I pray she receives the comfort God intends. Her tragedy prompted the following thoughts about how we, as the church need to comfort those who suffer in our midst.
A few years ago I led a grief support group in our church. I so appreciated the willingness of those grieving to share their heartaches, vulnerabilities, and their insights as they journeyed through their grief. Unfortunately, a common theme popped up in everyone's experience; the hurtful statements others made in their well-intentioned but misguided effort to comfort.
I have discovered that in the church we are taught to pray but not to comfort. Very sad considering that the God we love and serve has revealed himself as the God of all comfort.I am confident though that most people truly do want to help and say the right thing to provide comfort to the grieving, but they are at a loss. So what does comfort actually look and sound like? We need a good working definition.
First let me say that comfort is not about taking away someone's pain. That may surprise you, but not only is this impossible it is not desirable. To completely remove the pain of grief from someone you would have to remove every memory of the person they have lost. Is that really what the grieving person wants? Of course not.
So what does it mean to comfort? Quite simply to comfort is to provide relief. Comfort is not about making someone happy, or helping them to forget their pain, or minimizing their loss. To put it another way, comfort is like a cushion under a sprained ankle or a sling to a broken arm; it provides relief to the part of the body that hurts so that it can heal.
Unfortunately, if we adhere to a wrong idea of what comfort should look like then we usually end up saying things that hurt more than help. I trust that people truly do want to help so I offer a few suggestions.
What not to say to those who grieve:
Avoid phrases that begin with at least. “At least he's in a better place.” “At least she's not suffering anymore.” “At least you know you'll see him again one day.” These are all true but not very comforting. We do not grieve because the person has gone to a better place, we grieve because they are no longer sharing life with us.
Avoid pep talks. “God does not put on you more than you can bear.”* “You're strong, you'll make it through this.” “You can always have another child.” “It could be worse.” Remember, it is not our goal to try to make the grieving person cheerful or to snap them out of their sadness, so avoid telling them how they should feel. The process of grief takes time. Don't subvert it.
Avoid trying to explain why. “It was God's will.” “If they had more faith they wouldn't have died.” “They must have had sin in their lives.” “All things work together for good.” You do not know why this happened nor does anyone else. Although in our frustration we all may ask why during difficult times, knowing why won't change reality and won't make us feel better.
Avoid lectures. Don't use phrases that begin with, you just need. “You just need to move on with your life.” “You just need to have more faith.” “You just need to stay busy.” “You just need to be thankful for what you have.” Grieving people need compassion not lectures. Please refrain from giving advice especially now.
Avoid superficial analogies or platitudes. “God wanted a perfect rose in his garden so he took your child.” “God always takes the best.” “Time heals all wounds.” People are not flora and God is not that arbitrary so please don't minimize a person's loss with shallow cliches.
What to do for those who grieve:
Offer simple condolences. “I'm so sorry for your loss.” “I can't imagine how you must feel.” “I don't know what to say but I'm praying for you.” Now is not to time to be profound or engage in theological debates. If you don't know what to say, silence is appropriate. A gentle hug or the clasping of hands is sometimes better than words.
Offer to listen and share stories about their loved ones. The grieving person may need to tell the story of their loved-one's death over and over again. You can express how much you miss their loved one or share a story of an adventure you had together. Remember, it's all about them and not about you. Now is not the time to talk about your own personal losses and how you have suffered.
Offer tangible help. “I will bring dinner over on Friday night.” “I will mow your lawn this summer.” “I will call you tomorrow if you need to talk.” It may be difficult for the grieving person to ask for help so offer it first in a concrete way.
Keep in touch after the funeral. During the first year especially show that you remember their loved-one by sending a card, an email, some flowers, etc on all the days they would have been celebrating with the one they lost but cannot. Knowing that somebody else remembers your special days soothes the soul.
Be patient. Grief is a journey that takes time to maneuver. Some days the griever may feel great and other days they may want to curse God in their frustration. Accept their feelings without criticism and listen patiently.
As I write, more and more ideas pop into my head that I could share but instead I'll give you the chance. What are some of the most helpful things people have said or done for you in your time of grief? What are some of the least helpful?
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ~2 Corinthians 1:2-4
*This is not biblical. The context of this verse speaks of temptations not trials.
